Rambling...
The blackness of the morning covers how truly wet it is outside. Been grand raining for days. Yesterday we had an afternoon reprieve but the morning and once again the evening proved to me I am living in the right place. Rain.
The sound of it hitting the roof, trees and pavement is nothing but a soothing sense of comfort. Perhaps it is my ocean in my traffic-ridden city. I look forward to it, even though its continuance creates havoc all over the city and state. It's true beauty is still undefined with most never truly appreciating it. Each day I can rise and smile when I see or hear the rain falling around me. Looks like I got smiles coming for at least another few days.
Been thinking a lot lately about my grandparents. Two humans that made an incredible difference in my life. Protectors if you will. The realization once again hits me that I do not have a single picture of them. I wonder though if they had lived past my younger years if I would feel this way about them. Yes in my early childhood they kept me safe from so much. I spent every weekend for almost a decade with them before they past away. However my memories are those of a child and when I look back perhaps there love for me was at the cost to so many others.
It is strange truly thinking about those who effected us when we were young. My view of these perfect humans could never have been questioned. But looking back from who I am now shows me so many spaces that seem so unfair. First off they were one hundred percent racist and not just in skin color but in religion and so many other aspects of life.
I wonder if they were alive today what would they think of me? An open lesbian with a daughter. They would not even talk to two of their four children because one married a "foreigner" oddly enough this coming from two citizens who were from Canada and never got US citizenship prior to there deaths. The second one married a man who was "Jewish" and that as my grandmother use to tell us was as bad as being a different skin color. It is amazing things like this never seemed odd to me as a kid. I never cared; I only saw their protection and love of me in my life. Odd truly thinking about these people now. I loved them unconditionally, but one really must think would I have had they survived another decade and seen me through my teen years and my acceptance of my sexuality?
It's truly hard to know, however their track record in reality was not great. They allowed themselves to actually cut off there own children do to their ignorance, something I truly cannot understand now being a mother. I truly do not believe there is much that would cause me to truly "cut" my daughter from my life. Hence many things would make me cringe and disagree with her and her choices in life but to actually cut all communication with her over her choices I do not see that happening.
All these thoughts skew a view of people that mean so much to my past. One can say perhaps not thinking about them from this perspective is good, but is that truly a good view. Is it not better to accept them for all their downfalls (we each have them) and work through why that view is so short sighted? Life is short are we not to learn from those before us? I think sometimes being an adult and seeing how our views from childhood have changed is actually a good thing. Shows us that we are learning. This does not diminish how important these two people were in my life. It does not rip away the incredible memories and times I had with them, but it may put them into the realm of human.
Times have changed and going back and looking to the past we do in so many cases. It is hopefully how our society grows and becomes a better place. One can only hope the view is not tainted with blinders or shaded glasses. The past does show us places that we do not need to return to and we need to listen to those words and remember why. The reminder is a good thing. It can only make us better people in the end.
Life is learning and moving forward hopefully using that knowledge. Sometimes the view back is good to truly look at openly and clearly taking our shades off once in a while to see the Truth.
Peace resides in the future let us all hope they it can be closer then we assume.
The sound of it hitting the roof, trees and pavement is nothing but a soothing sense of comfort. Perhaps it is my ocean in my traffic-ridden city. I look forward to it, even though its continuance creates havoc all over the city and state. It's true beauty is still undefined with most never truly appreciating it. Each day I can rise and smile when I see or hear the rain falling around me. Looks like I got smiles coming for at least another few days.
Been thinking a lot lately about my grandparents. Two humans that made an incredible difference in my life. Protectors if you will. The realization once again hits me that I do not have a single picture of them. I wonder though if they had lived past my younger years if I would feel this way about them. Yes in my early childhood they kept me safe from so much. I spent every weekend for almost a decade with them before they past away. However my memories are those of a child and when I look back perhaps there love for me was at the cost to so many others.
It is strange truly thinking about those who effected us when we were young. My view of these perfect humans could never have been questioned. But looking back from who I am now shows me so many spaces that seem so unfair. First off they were one hundred percent racist and not just in skin color but in religion and so many other aspects of life.
I wonder if they were alive today what would they think of me? An open lesbian with a daughter. They would not even talk to two of their four children because one married a "foreigner" oddly enough this coming from two citizens who were from Canada and never got US citizenship prior to there deaths. The second one married a man who was "Jewish" and that as my grandmother use to tell us was as bad as being a different skin color. It is amazing things like this never seemed odd to me as a kid. I never cared; I only saw their protection and love of me in my life. Odd truly thinking about these people now. I loved them unconditionally, but one really must think would I have had they survived another decade and seen me through my teen years and my acceptance of my sexuality?
It's truly hard to know, however their track record in reality was not great. They allowed themselves to actually cut off there own children do to their ignorance, something I truly cannot understand now being a mother. I truly do not believe there is much that would cause me to truly "cut" my daughter from my life. Hence many things would make me cringe and disagree with her and her choices in life but to actually cut all communication with her over her choices I do not see that happening.
All these thoughts skew a view of people that mean so much to my past. One can say perhaps not thinking about them from this perspective is good, but is that truly a good view. Is it not better to accept them for all their downfalls (we each have them) and work through why that view is so short sighted? Life is short are we not to learn from those before us? I think sometimes being an adult and seeing how our views from childhood have changed is actually a good thing. Shows us that we are learning. This does not diminish how important these two people were in my life. It does not rip away the incredible memories and times I had with them, but it may put them into the realm of human.
Times have changed and going back and looking to the past we do in so many cases. It is hopefully how our society grows and becomes a better place. One can only hope the view is not tainted with blinders or shaded glasses. The past does show us places that we do not need to return to and we need to listen to those words and remember why. The reminder is a good thing. It can only make us better people in the end.
Life is learning and moving forward hopefully using that knowledge. Sometimes the view back is good to truly look at openly and clearly taking our shades off once in a while to see the Truth.
Peace resides in the future let us all hope they it can be closer then we assume.
posted by E at 6:46 AM
1 Comments:
I think what let my grandparents grow beyond their west Texas roots was being in the military. While there they had to share religious space with people of all denominations. My grandfather also served people of all ethnicities. Base housing wasn't segregated and you interacted with everyone. Not that my grandma couldn't revert now and then when she got older but we'd chew her out and she'd apologize.
I have great memories from my grandparents on both sides of the family but I also know that they were very human. Heck, my grandmother still shows it today. Exasperating but I still love her. After all...the good and the bad are what makes them who they are and when we love someone we accept it all.
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